Cow farts cause Global Warming
12/12/2006 5:40:22 PM
A new 'report' by the UN concludes that cows are the real culprits of the current warming trend.
File this one under “We couldn’t make this shit up if we tried.” After all the endless moaning and wailing by environmentalists and other assorted leftist nut-jobs that humans are mucking up the environment and causing the worst warming trend in history, a new study shows that cow shit and cow farts are far more to blame.
In fact, the United Nations Food & Agricultural Association claims that the world’s 1.5 billion cows are worse then all the cars, planes, and all other forms of transportation PUT TOGETHER. Apparently, cows are so dangerous because their “emissions” contain methane gas—a substance thought to heat the atmosphere twenty times more than the carbon dioxide that usually gets all of the press.
Cows are believed to account for one third of all the world’s methane emissions, and therefore the tasty beef-supplying critters are responsible for all the most heinous crimes against the environment: acid rain, desertification, and, of course, the destruction of coral reefs.
I guess we can all look for livestock to be appearing on Interpol’s most wanted list sometime soon—or at the very least, expect cow-farts to be subject the strictest governmental regulations while cow shit will be outlawed entirely. Surprisingly, the cows themselves have nothing to say in their defense, other than “Mooo shit.”
In a related report, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change concluded that humans are doing less damage to the environment then previously thought. Mankind’s influence on Global Warming has been reduced by 25% and expected rises in sea level have been cut by half.
Former veep Al Gore, however, has no plans to update his “doomsday clock” (in case you missed it, we’ll all be dead in ten years thanks to Global Warming) or re-edit his nonsensical crapfest, An Inconvenient Truth. (The asshole critics that sucked the films cock do no plan on retracting their ridiculous reviews either.)
Instead, The Mushroom Mag has learned that Al Gore is going to re-issue the DVD box with new cover art. Instead of a hurricane rising out of a smoke-stack, he’s going to make it a cow.
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About the author: Christian Twiste isn't really qualified to comment on any of the topics he prefers to write about, but that's never stopped him from trying.