Is this chick too crazy for the effort?
6/20/2008 2:51:58 PM

Dear Lacey,

I have been dating this girl (nothing serious at all) for almost a month. A week ago she started acting crazy. She started saying she just wanted to be friends and shit like that. Then she would start saying she missed me and wanted to get back with me. I was just like whatever I just bring her around when I am bored. Then she admitted she was acting crazy because her ex of two years asked her out and she said yes. She then changed her mind and wanted to be with me after a little time. So basically my question is should I give this girl the time of day?

Your friend
TKudgis614

TKudgis614,

If she is already acting crazy and you have only been hanging out for a month, just imagine what she will be like when she becomes comfortable with your relationship.
This girl is bad news. She is indecisive, she has baggage, and she doesn't have the common sense to attempt to act normal for at least the 90 day trial period of a relationship.

The calmest, most level headed that you will ever see your girlfriend is in the first couple of months of dating. She is unsure where she stands, and it still trying to lure you in, hence her show of best behavior. If this is her version of calm and level headed, are you going to be able to deal with her when her true psychosis shows through in 6 months? More importantly, are you going to want to?

Personally, I don't feel that dealing with someone else's problems after a month of dating is a good sign for a smooth sailing, rewarding relationship in the future and I would not take it any further than that. All chicks are a pain in the ass, but most don't show you just how much until way later. Things don't get better as time goes on, they get harder, and if this is your starting point, are you willing to find out where it ends up?

—Lacey

Setting-up a first date without looking desperate
6/9/2008 4:33:38 PM

Dear Lacey,

Somehow or another, I recently met a hot chick at a wedding, but she lives about an hour and half away. Any tips for setting up the first date without looking like the desperate dork that I certainly am to travel 90 miles for dinner?

Thanks,
Long Distance Lover


Long Distance Lover,

It's a bit difficult to give a detailed answer based on the little information given, but at least you have one thing already figured out, women don't like a guy who seems desperate. Women want a guy who comes off as confident, someone who has something better to do than drive 90 miles to take her out, someone whose schedule isn't going to revolve around her-- at least at first. We all know this will come in time.

This is why I suggest coming up with another excuse to be in her area, at least for the first date. Call her up, tell her you are planning on being nearby, and see where it goes from there. It will also be smart to have her suggest a place for your date since you aren't familiar with her area, plus, it will give an insight into her taste and personality. If she is at a place that she is comfortable with, she is much more likely to have a good time.

The trick to hooking a chick is to not be too nice during the beginning of the dating period. If she gets the idea that she is going to be able to walk all over you, the interest will wane quickly. Cards and flowers come after you have obtained her interest, and not before. A slight challenge is always best in the eyes of a woman, and if you make it too easy, you will lose the air of confidence that will make such a big impression if you can pull it off.

Good luck!

—Lacey

I don't want a big church wedding!
4/21/2008 1:37:45 PM

Dear Lacey,

I am a 25 year old professional woman who loves my career. I have been dating the same man for almost 4 years now, and we have a big getaway planned for this summer. I have reason to believe that he will propose to me at some point during this adventure.

The thing is, I really do want to marry him. But there are two things that are causing doubts. One, it would require I move, which may damage my career, but worse yet, he has overbearing parents who are always meddling in our affairs. Not only have they continuously pressured me about providing them with grandkids, but they are very religious people, too. On the other hand I am not a very religious person and neither is he. I guess I'm what you'd call an agnostic.

I've discussed marriage with my boyfriend in passing and I always grow enraged when he mentioned a big church wedding. I do not want a big church wedding. He mentioned this would break his parents’ hearts. The whole thing is driving me nuts.

I feel silly writing you about this, but are my concerns not without merit? If I do marry him, shouldn't I be allowed to have the type of wedding I want on my own terms without their interference? Sadly, my man is a Momma's boy who often seems more concerned about pleasing his parents than pleasing me, and that concerns me, too.

Assuming he does propose to me, how can I maintain control over MY wedding?

-Disgruntled Bride-to-Be

Disgruntled Bride-to-Be,

I completely agree. It is your wedding and you should be able to conduct it how you want, regardless of his parents' ideas about how a wedding is supposed to be. Who cares what would break his parents' hearts on your wedding day? He should be more concerned about what would break your heart on your wedding day. It is not their place to judge where you choose to marry their son. They should shut it, and be happy that they are one step closer to grandchildren. (It would definitely help your cause if they are in no way contributing monetarily to the event, which I hope is the case for argument's sake.)

You obviously understand the need for making yourself happy, which is good. Many women go out of their way to please others while sacrificing everything they want, causing them to be unhappy in their life and their decisions (and then they like to cry to their friends about it). This does, however, sound like an issue that your boyfriend may be dealing with.

It has always been my feeling that since your significant other is the person you are around more than anyone else, their happiness should be on the top of your list (mainly because they can make your life hell much easier than anyone else). Would your future husband really rather deal with a disgruntled bride on her wedding day more than he would a pissy mother who, in reality, has nothing to do with the situation? If so, I think you have bigger problems than the location of your wedding.

With a family that has such opposite values from yourself, there will always be certain issues that you will never agree on and you will need your husband as a buffer to ease the tension, but with him on their side, who is going to fill that role? Will you be ok with your husband continually bending to his mother's will while ignoring your own wishes? What happens when she starts undermining the things you have taught your kids and starts interjecting her own beliefs? Will your husband stand up for your values, or will he once again roll over for Mommy?

These are the question that you have to ask yourself before you give up your career and make the biggest decision of your life. You need to set things straight between him before you even begin to deal with the family. If he is not on your side, you will be on your own, feeling abandoned and frustrated on the frontlines against an overbearing mother and her ideas on how your life should play out, while your husband sits off to the side pretending to not have an opinion. Think: Everybody Loves Raymond. I wouldn't be ok with that, will you?

—Lacey

How to improve with small talk
3/13/2008 4:04:21 PM

Dear Lacey,

As a librarian, I usually work in "all female" environment. I have been working in a school library for the last 6 months and if all goes well, I will become the chief-librarian (aka, the boss) in 3 years or so. One thing that would help is to develop a better relationship with two of my coworkers. Our relations are cordial, but being a 31 years old male, I don't have many things in common with those two ladies and I'm really not good with small talk. I hate talking about the weather or other stuff I perceive as being unimportant. Not that I'm a misanthropist, I just have difficulties relating to those people. I would appreciate any advice on how I could improve on my small talk skills.

Signed,
Scorpy

Scorpy,

This one is pretty hard for me to answer. Like you, I am not one for small talk. Sure, I have tried, but it always feels forced and uncomfortable. Personally, I much prefer staying silent until I have something interesting to say, and I would appreciate it if others did the same, instead of dragging me into their conversations about their baby rolling over for the first time or other things I don't care about.

I don't think there is any advice I can give you that will make you better at small talk. I guess the only thing I would suggest is to be yourself. If talking about the weather isn't your thing, then avoid it. People can tell when you are being genuine, and I don't think there is a person on the planet that actually likes to be in a conversation about nothing, anyway. The only thing that makes an elevator ride worse, is when the person you are riding it with is uncomfortable with silence, you get what I mean?

My advice would be to avoid small talk and try and find something that you guys do have in common. Regardless of your age, sex, background, or anything else, there is something that will appeal to both of you and I am sure the other person would appreciate a genuine connection versus a contrived conversation that is completely unnecessary.

If that doesn't work for you, and you really want to be able to strike up a conversation with someone, next time they ask you how you are, say "terrible". They never expect that and it gets their attention. They will inevitably ask, "why", and you can proceed to explain you theories on small talk and how no one ever says how they actually feel, they just go through the motions because they feel they are supposed to. You will sound honest, and interesting, and viola! They now understand that they no longer have to engage in such scripted, artificial babble because you detest it as much as they do.

Good luck!

-Lacey

My marriage, my affair & my pregnancy
2/22/2008 3:28:28 PM

Dear Lacey.

I am a 27 year old female married to a wonderful husband.

We were high school sweethearts and have been married for six years. My husband is a dream man; he would do anything for me.

We have been trying to have children the last few years but to no avail. Last year we were having some problems in our relationship and mutually agreed to separate for a spell.

During that time of separation I met an old male friend of ours from high school while out with friends. One thing led to another and we made love.

Due to the fact my husband and I had been trying for years to have children, and partially because I was inebriated; I failed to use contraception.

Within six weeks my husband and I reconciled and I discovered I was pregnant. Now my husband is the happiest man alive and our relationship couldn't be better. What terrifies me is I am pretty sure the baby is not my husbands. I'm not 100% sure however.

I have been keeping this secret all this time and do not want to tell my husband. My worry that keeps me awake at night is I am a Caucasian female and the old friend from school is African-American.

I'm inclined to pass my baby off as my husbands. I am terrified to tell him. My due date is just around the corner.

Should I just cross my fingers and pray for the best?

I'm terrified if I tell him it will destroy our marriage.

What should I do?

Missy

Missy,

This is a tough one. I think the only thing that may save you is the fact that you guys were on a break. I know telling him sounds like a terrible prospect right now, but just think of how much worse it would be if two are in the delivery room and your child comes out a different color than your husband. Both of your families will most likely be there and instead of just the feeling of betrayal which he could have dealt with behind closed doors, he will have to undertake the shock and embarrassment in front of everyone he knows.

This whole situation is like gambling. There is a small chance that it may be your husband's and everything could turn out ok, but according to you, the odds are not in your favor. Personally, I am not one for gambling. I think it would be 100X worse if you didn't tell him and he finds out on what is supposed to be the happiest day of his life than it would to tell him in the privacy of your own home, even if the child does turn out to be his in the end.

The backlash from springing something like this on him in an already stressful situation could be too much for either of you to handle. If it turned out that the baby was not his and he has to face this in the delivery room, the likelihood of him wanting nothing to do with you will increase tenfold. And when he decides to leave, are you going to rip out your IV and go after him? Probably not.

If you are able to discuss it in your own home, he will be easier to reason with. Not to say that any part of this will be easy, but at least he wont be able to resent you for allowing him to take this excitement to the delivery room only to be crushed with a party of onlookers like some sort of sick reality TV show.

I feel that your best option is going to be to tell him before it is too late. If you truly were on a break, he wil be hurt, and it is up to him if he will ever accept it, but technically a break is to go out and see if the person you are with is really the one for you. I guess you found out, but not without a price and maybe he will be more understanding of that than you have anticipated. But I hope for both of your sakes that the baby is, by some chance, his, because if it is not, he will have to attain a whole other level of forgiveness that may be too much for him.

—Lacey

Lacey's take on other women
2/14/2008 4:49:29 PM

Dear Lacey,

I hear an awful lot about what women are like, but by and large, it’s been men who are explaining these things to me and perhaps in a biased way. So, I was wondering if you could tell me what women were like. Please enlighten me!

Signed, mike

Hi mike,

It might have a lot to do with the fact that I live in Southern California, I don't know, but there are normal, good girls, but they are hard to find. Believe me, I know. I have about two girlfriends because most of the time, women are hard to be around (at least the ones my age—21). Now don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against women. In fact, I would love to have more women friends if I could just find some normal ones, but the truth is, they are very difficult to find.

Here are some observations that I have made through my relationships and interactions with women from a woman’s point of view:

For most girls, there is no such thing as "bros before hos". As soon as a guy comes along, they will step on your head to get to him and not talk to you for as long as the guy will allow them to hang around. There are a few girls that I know that would make awesome friends. They are fun, they are sweet, they aren't the usual judgmental girls that you run into at a party, but they get so wrapped up in their boyfriend and doing what he wants to do every second of every day that you never see them. What they don't realize is that their boyfriend would most likely push her out the door without hesitation at the thought of a night away from the girlfriend, but in her head, she feels that it will hurt his feelings if she goes out without him. Ridiculous!

They take 2 hours to "get ready" and quite often, the finished product ends up looking worse than when they wake up in the morning. The result is that they are afraid of dirt, smearing their makeup or getting their hair wet.

The amount of chicks with daddy issues seems to be rising, too. As a result, you get a chick who will cling to the first guy who gives her the slightest bit of attention. These guys are usually a dirt bags and then they complain about the situation they have gotten into even though you warned them about it to begin with.

All of this is brought on by self esteem issues. Most women can't walk by a mirror without checking themselves out—their hair has to be perfect, their outfit has to be at the height of fashion, and guess what? They are still unhappy. Because of these self esteem issues, they make for crazy girlfriends. They are always concerned about who you are looking at, whether you think they are prettier than them, and you are most certainly not allowed to talk to other girls, and you are supposed to know all this because of the pouty look on their face and their crappy attitude as they refuse to tell you what is wrong for fear of looking like a crazy girlfriend. Basically, they expect you to be a mind-reader.

Lots of women hate each other one first sight based on whether they think they are more or less attractive than them—ESPECIALLY if her boyfriend is around at the time. The girl could be the nicest girl on the planet, but she will find something to hate about the new girl and will usually voice it to her boyfriend in order to make sure he knows how much better she is than her.

The biggest problem that I notice with women is their poor choice in men. It drives me absolutely insane. I would have to say about 2% of my friends have ever chosen a guy that wasn't a candidate for domestic violence. There are plenty of normal, nice guys out there that would LOVE to treat a woman right and they get passed over because these women are holding out for the guy who walks off the movie screen—you know, the one who DOESN'T EXIST. I find it excruciating to listen to their tales of woe and misery when they chose some crack smoking loser because he had that edgy bad boy thing going. All the while her friend Bobby sits on the sidelines waiting for scumbag #1 to leave her so she can cry on his shoulder. Bobby will build up her self esteem just in time for her to go after scumbag #2, leaving him there to wait for the next time she wants to use him.

Honestly, I am not a woman hater. I don't judge until they are an offender of any of these things listed above, and unfortunately, that usually doesn't take long. Alas, I am left with my 2 girlfriends that have the same feeling on the subject as me, which is great, and I love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. They are thoughtful, you can talk about anything without getting strange looks, they will help you out if you need anything, and no matter how cute that boy is, you will always come first because they know that you will be the one there in the end, but it sure would be nice to expand our little circle into an actual group that could hang out and do girly things once in a while. As it were, I am usually stuck with a house full of guys, a couple cases of beer and my Wii, which isn't bad either.

—Lacey

Valentine's Day wedding proposal?
2/12/2008 2:50:40 PM

Dear Lacey,

I have been going out with the same girl for over four years now. I love her very much and have always intended to marry her. Lately, she is beginning to pressure me on this front.

Up until a few months ago, I never cheated on her, but one night, after we had a big fight, I hooked up with a girl who has always had a crush on me. I saw her on and off for about 5 weeks, and haven't seen her since. She was always jealous of the relationship me and my girlfriend have had, and I regret the decision I made to sleep with her.

For the last month or so, I was planning on popping the question on or around Valentine's Day. However, two weeks ago I discovered the other woman is now pregnant! Worse yet, she refuses to entertain the idea of an abortion.

This has put quite a wrench into my plans...

How can I explain to my girlfriend that I got another woman pregnant and how can I do so and still convince her to marry me?

Signed,
"Desperately Lost"

*Sucks wind through sides of mouth with clenched teeth*

Man, that sucks.

“Desperately Lost”,

Truth is, I don't think there is any reason that she should still marry you.

Regret it or not, you have broken the trust and it will continually put unneeded strain on your relationship.

She may pretend to forgive, but she won't forget. Whether she admits it or not, she will always be wondering who you are with and what you are up to.

She doesn't deserve to feel like that and shouldn't have to waste her time wondering if her husband is going to be out impregnating girls or bringing home Chlamydia, (been checked yet?-- obviously you weren't smart enough to not raw dog her).

I guess the most you can hope for is that she has low self esteem and will take you back. All I can say is that you better tell her before the skank you hooked up with shows up at the door serving court papers for the 18 years of child support you are now on the hook for.

Cheers!

—Lacey

Her dog or a stranger? Who would Lacey save?
2/5/2008 2:21:05 PM

Dear Lacey,

I have an ethical question for you:

Imagine there is a stranger, and your dog. They are both drowning. You love your dog, and your dog loves you. You don't know who the person is. He could be Osama Bin Laden for all you know…you can only save one of them... which one would you save, and why?

Pantera

Pantera,

This one is rough. I love my dogs more than I like most people. Obviously this question would be a lot easier if I knew who it was that was drowning, but because I do not, I feel that my conscience would pull me towards the person who most likely has a family and a life that would affect many more beyond that of a pet.

Sure, my poor dog would be sorely missed and I would feel horrible for a long time, but not nearly as bad as this person's children, spouse, or parents would had I chosen a dog over a human life.

There is always the chance that this person I just chose to save turns out to be a dirt bag that would not be missed and didn't deserve life as much as my dog. In that case, would it be possible to amend the situation by allowing me a gun to avenge my drowned pooch?

—Lacey

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